#winning
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what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Strange
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.