If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
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shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
These aliens are taking forever.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…