A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me