As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
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me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
what?
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”