I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.