in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
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8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Google reviews are always so mixed..