Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Rich People Podcasts are wild.