KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
PLOT TWIST:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?