… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You Might Also Like
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
White Castle for the Win
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
This is no longer winter this is harassment
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”