high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Monday?
No. Next question.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.