About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.