I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
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The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.