I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
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The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no