I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
me adding lol on a serious message
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.