The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
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Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Buck naked
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Never ghost your hitman.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true