Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
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Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion