I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Owl Sanctuary
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss