Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
pelicons
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster