Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
#Caturday
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes