wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.