*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
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I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
craving $300 all of a sudden