If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
You Might Also Like
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No