Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
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Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Gemma Correll
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
🙋♀️
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose