It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
You Might Also Like
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
when someone compliments me
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Finally, an instrument I can play!
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!