“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything