Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
You Might Also Like
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.