Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
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When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
i did the math
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?