How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot