Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
January has been Januweary
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery