Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
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I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.