I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
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I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Battery falling down a hole
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.