In Canada they just call them geese
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I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*