Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”