No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
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None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Otters see a butterfly.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The first one, obviously
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good