Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.