I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
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hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
True freaking story!
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo