Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Bring back the McRib
Rooting for the overdog
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.