Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here