*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.