When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie