Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Good Morning.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”