Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
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Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.