Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days