I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
God has abandoned us.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Autocarrot sucks!
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God