You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Catercrombie & Fish
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about