WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
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[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I need this for my side hustle.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.