I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.