ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years