My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.