Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
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[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.